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War Diary of a Schizophrenic
Michael Petrov
Источник: ruspol.net
Фото взято из оригинала статьи или из открытых источников


10.11.22
663
***
January. Quiet. It's dreary. Everyone who was sick died, if not – recovered.
 
***
Boring. Politics. Encrypted. President Bi (!) said that President Pu (!) would attack President Ze (!). At least something will finally happen! I'm looking forward to it.
 
***
Pu did not attack. Just preparing to attack. Ze is also preparing to resist. Let’s wait. Unfortunately, the ink is finished.
 
***
February. Got ink. Now everyone writes with ballpoint pens. What could Dostoevsky write with a ballpoint pen? Idiots. Pu has not attacked Ze yet. Bi said that Pu would definitely attack. It's dreary. I cried. I'm afraid all three will be deceived.
 
***
Bi said that tomorrow Pu would attack Ze. I do not believe. Didn't attack yesterday, but will attack tomorrow? Funny. I bought ten kilograms of salt and matches in the supermarket. Just in case. I'll buy soda tomorrow. The professor said I‘m an idiot and an alarmist. He himself is a fool.
 
***
Bi said that according to updated intelligence, the attack would take place the day after tomorrow. I do not believe. I bought ten rolls of toilet paper at the supermarket. I bought ten notebooks in a box and ten in a line. Just in case. But what if tomorrow?
 
***
The day after tomorrow has arrived. Pu did not attack Ze. Wept with resentment. In the afternoon I went to the supermarket. Just in case, I bought a bag of Pidigri and a package of Doshirak. The stock pocket does not pull.
 
***
During the day, I bought empty plastic containers near the supermarket. I will store water on the balcony. The professor twisted his index finger at his temple. To shoot wanted?
 
***
During the night, Pu attacked Ze. Finally! It’s my day! KaKa promised to send our troops to help. To help whom?
 
***
March. The week was unsettling. Pu advanced towards Ze. Inspiring. Baroness came to see Ze. She is a former gynecologist. The professor said that there are no former gynecologists. There is no reason not to believe the professor. Gynecologist said Ze that Pu would be broken very soon. I hope not tomorrow. I have plans for him. I mean quarantine.
 
***
KaKa went to visit Ze. Boldly. I'm waiting for quarantine. The professor said I'm an idiot. I don't believe him. I believe that there will be such a quarantine, which was not during the pandemic. The professor said that there would be no quarantine, but there would be worldwide war. How is it worldwide? Doesn't fit in the head.
 
***
Attack is lasted. Victory will be ours. KaKa has announced a new price for gas and gasoline. Surprised. It's a shame. In this case, I haven't decided on which side I'm yet. The professor said I'm an idiot. It is necessary to root for the “collective Bi”. Strength in the team. What does it mean “collective”? I told the professor that he is an idiot himself. The professor was not offended. Weird.
 
***
I learned two new words: zrada – betrayal and peremoga – complete victory. Collective Bi imposed sanctions against Pu. Effectively. I took note. Yesterday the neighbours came to ask for salt and matches. I showed them my fist. The woman neighbour was crying. Pity Khohols and Muscovites. Who are Khohols and Muscovites? Why pity them? Pu... Need to put some Pidigri to my woman neighbour. Since childhood, I can not stand women's tears.
 
***
Pu said that Khohols and Muscovites are one nation. Two names, but one nation? I do not believe. The professor said I’m an idiot. Showed him my fist. The bastard laughs.
 
***
KaKa called for ecomomy. They said she was stupid. Not true. Kaka good, smart. The economy must be economical. We were taught that way. I don't buy gasoline. 100 percent savings! I asked the professor why we should feel sorry for the Muscovites? The professor said I’m an idiot. Muscovites do not need to feel sorry. We have to pity ourselves. Soon we will be worse than Muscovites. The professor is stupid idiot.
 
***
April. Unfortunately, the professor was right. It became worse than Khohols and Muscovites. I don't buy gasoline or meat. Not needed gasoline yet. There is no money for meat. I bought another bag of Pidigri from the supermarket. The professor said I’m an idiot. Collective trend is toward to Wiskas. I will buy it tomorrow.
 
****
We need to diversify the military menu, so bought Wiskas. Bastard professor. He knew and remained silent. Radical Professor. Free radicals should be in jail. Ze said that he would make a rotten swamp for Pu and take back the Crimean peninsula. Island or peninsula? Doesn't matter. The neighbours came in. They found out about Wiskas, asked for a sample. I showed them my fist. Offended. The women neighbour was crying. I can't stand women's tears. Damn Muscovites!
 
***
May. Pu has become a big problem for Ze. KaKa said that Pu is true evil. Baroness imposed the twenty-seventh package of sanctions against Pu. Pu will die from the sanctions. Collective Bi also imposed sanctions. He promised tore Pu to pieces! Immediately! Pu said the sanctions for him is violet. Violet – how to understand it? He will sell gas to Si. It's time to full quarantine.
 
****
Si said he would buy gas from Pu as much as he could. Bi sent Ze some weapons. KaKa sent Ze a supply of toilet paper. No military aid. Recklessly. Germany has run out of toilet paper. Evil Pu banned the export of timber. Tomorrow I will announce the quarantine. Paper must be saved. Toilet paper is our everything. I mean at war times.
 
***
Gathered the contingent and declared quarantine. I demand the powers of the military dictator of the housing association. They promised to think. The neighbour showed his fist to the contingent. Just in case.
 
***
June. During the hostilities, I received the powers of a dictator. I’m war dictator! Organized a gala dinner for contingent. I treated Wiskas to the neighbours and Professor. The woman neighbour was crying. I'm sorry. The professor said something like, à la guerre comme à la guerre. What does he mean?
 
***
Gynecologist introduces the thirty-eighth package of sanctions against Pu. Says let the Muscovites die. I announced a plan of sanctions to the contingent. The woman neighbour were crying. “What for? We are not Muscovites.” I showed them my fist. Did not help. I poured some Pidigri to the neighbours in the evening. The woman neighbour promised to come at night. What for? Want to get more Wiskas?
 
***
Today was political information. The professor explained to the contingent why Pu could not defeat Ze and back to why Ze can't beat Pu. Referring to the Chinese. The best victory at war is when the war did not take place at all. Not understandable. Nobody understood the professor. Chinese!
 
***
July. June has been very busy. Baroness promised to dictator Pu a tactical nuclear strike. Wonderful! Prepared for nuclear war. We warm the basement of the house. Organized a food warehouse. Personally for the dictator bought Doshirak. Why Doshirak? Doshirak may not be cooked. Women sew gas bandages. A neighbour and his son collect old batteries. If you hit an old battery with a hammer, it will give current. Law of physics! Or chemistry?
 
***
KaKa said that there is enough electricity for the whole winter, but we need to save electricity. Gathered a contingent for a lecture. The professor explained how to save electrical energy. All electrical appliances in the apartments should be turned off. I made a correction: everything appliances except my refrigerator. The contingent agreed. The professor said they are idiots.
 
***
Today there were exercises in case of a power outage. The contingent was shitting into garbage bags. They simulated the shutdown of elevators. The bags were lowered down by the hands. The professor said that the bags should be lowered down on ropes. Question: what to do with the bags then?
 
***
Baroness came to visit KaKa. KaKa showed tо Baroness Russia from afar. Baroness said that Russia is not for long time. If Russia is no more, to whom will we sell our potatoes? The professor said I’m an idiot. If there is no Russia, then we will get all the potatoes. Great perspective!
 
***
The second day I think about what will happen abroad if there is no Russia? The professor explained that there will be a radioactive desert and after our victory. It will be impossible to live in desert for 500 years. Desert? It's a pity. They make good vodka in Russia. It's a pity.
 
****
In fact, the exercise announced a plan to build a cesspool in the yard for twenty seats. Digging is easy. A trench dug during a pandemic came in handy. Women were mobilized. The contingent from the neighbouring house says that we are all complete idiots here. Envy.
 
***
I offered the contingent to donate cash to the democracy fund. Just in case. Democracy is then worth something when it has the money for a dictatorship. I came up with the formula myself. The professor publicly called me an idiot. What does he allow himself? There is a new prison in the basement for free radicals. The prison has a general regime cell and a punishment cell. Threatened the professor with prison. The professor didn't answer. It's a pity.
 
***
August. I announced to the contingent that tomorrow there would be a holiday on the occasion of the completion of work on the cesspool. I promised them brew and Pidigri. Dictator Pu is stuck visiting Ze. KaKa said that the price of gas and electricity is a war tax. Fair. The day after tomorrow I will send a contingent to harvest firewood.
 
***
The professor said I’m an idiot. He does not believe that firewood can be found in the city. What about furniture? Let the furniture be prepared. The contingent gathered at the cesspool. Demonstrate protest. Original. Tomorrow the professor will explain to them why there can be no protests in a democracy.
 
***
September. Baroness said that the dictator Pu is terrorizing Europe with gas prices. Now gas will be bought not at seller's prices, but at buyer's prices. Brilliant! It will be necessary to tell the contingent why it will be cold in the apartments in winter. We must endure. It's a war tax. We will answer for our sanctions against Pu. Brilliant! Kaka is my hero for all time.
 
***
Organized political information in the morning. The professor said that the strengthening of democracy is based on the strengthening of dictatorship. Dictatorship is the highest degree of democracy. Who is against - are free radicals. Radicals should be in jail. Why? Because the evil Pu nightmares the good Ze. The contingent does not agree to sit in jail.
 
***
Inflation is on the rise. KaKa says it's okay. Inflation is a tax on the war of Pu against Ze. We are very poor, but very proud. This is right. Tomorrow I will arrange political information for the contingent.
 
***
The professor said I’m an idiot. I said that KaKa said about the tax. Turns out, we're both idiots. I disagree. The crowd got very excited. They cannot understand that the sanctions are against Pu, not against us. The professor said that you need to kill the enemy with someone else's knife. Nobody understood why. The professor said that if you kill with someone else's knife, the sheep can be taken away with a light hand. Nobody understood what he was talking about. The professor said that Bi, Gynecologist and Ze wanted to make Pu swim across the sea. Why is he like that? We pay tax even though we are not Chinese or Pu. Okay, let me be an idiot.
 
***
Do not forget that I am the military dictator of the apartment association!
 
***
I am the great! The administrator! Everything is in my power! The professor said, “Your words, not mine. How can you stay quiet on the eve of nuclear war? I don't believe you not understand. Idiot! You have nothing in your hands. Any power you have, comes to you from the contingent. Everything is fixed, and you can't change it. How can I help you? ”. But no way. All my friends told me I was great. I'm the greatest and you better believe it, professor! “You is stupid idiot,” said the professor. You are wrong, professor. I'm gonna be the greatest in this world, in the next world and in any world!
***
October. Cold. Winter is near. Ze demands more weapons from Bi. Gynecologist said that the 106-th package of sanctions against Pu is ready. I asked the professor why, when sanctions are imposed against Pu, it nightmares us? The professor said that I’m an idiot and started crying. It's a pity.
 
***
November. I'm scared. It's scary all the time. I'm afraid Pu might defeat Ze. I'm afraid that the “collective B” can defeat Pu. Sometimes I want to hide under the bed. The professor said that I was not an idiot, but a schizophrenic. I do not believe. Well, what kind of schizophrenic am I? Yes, I might be an idiot. It's a pity.
 
***
However, what is truth? Is truth a changing law? I see no reason. Professor, we both have truths. Are mine the same as yours? We turn to Brussels to sentence Kremlin. We have no law to put a Pu to death. We need him crucified. It's all we have to do. However, I find no evil. Very strange. I'm scared.
 
***
Today I suspended the powers of the democratic dictator. It’s a pitу! The contingent was crying. They asked to stay. I can not. From Wiskas and Pidigri I have constipation and heartburn. However, I agreed to extend his powers for another month.
 
***
December. Pu terrorizing and nightmares Ze. The contingent declared "war capitalism". They demand from everyone a war tax on income. They promise to strike according to their needs if they evade paying the tax. I won't write anymore. I'll hide the diary. If they find the diary, they will kill me.
 

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